Daddy's Girl;

It all started when my parents got divorced the day I was brought home from the hospital. Growing up, I used to have family interventions whenever I misbehaved.  It was so scary.  There were four parents (the biological ones remarried).

& Then there was me  .  

In the corner.  

With no defense.

At one of the meetings, my mom my made me cry so hard that I started to hyperventilate, ran down the hall, and slammed my bedroom door. 

You know who came chasing after me? 

 My daddy

My fucking daddy.   He was my best friend.  My true pal.  I wouldn't go to friends' sleepovers on his weekends because I wanted to stay by his side.  Every other Friday he'd pick me up and we'd stop to rent a movie of my choice.  He always gave me the opportunity to choose what I wanted...  He would put me in the backseat of his truck and haul me along to work at construction sites where I would entertain myself with coloring books.

D O N T 

get. me. started. 

on how much I

despised his girlfriends 

It got to the point where he hid his relationships from me; until one day, I naively asked why there was a woman's leather jacket hanging on the coat rack.  Time flew. He remarried while I was in middle school to a woman who had a son.  Next thing I know, her son  had children.

Now, My Dad is a Grandpa.  

Now, The pictures on display at his house are of his grand kids; & the ones of me have been put away..

Now, he gave my softball mitt to his granddaughter so that they can practice together. 

Now, It feels like hes gone...

Now, I look back.. to when he would drop me off at my mom's house after our weekends together & tuck me in bed; recalling that as soon as he'd walk out, I would cry into my pillow.

&&

it simply awes me into silence

to know that I missed him before he even left...

I Salute You~

If Only.

I want to be the girl

that keeps you on your feet

And makes your toes curl

Letter From My Most Influential College Proffessor

Subject:  My Last Hoorah In Israel 


Dear Paige,

I love your story! Im sorry that it ended badly from a societal rules kind of way...but, hey, I
love that crazy girl on the beach. People are wound way too tight, so tight that they are often
more like programmed machines than flesh and blood. During that time period you
expressed your true loving, compassionate, passionate, womanly, and child-like self.

Too bad you were made to feel ashamed of yourself.
..treating you as if you had actually done something wrong. You didnt hurt anyone! There are true assholes acting out everywhere, every day, and no one shames them. There are phony, superficial liars all around and no one points a finger at them accusing of them of disturbing society's morals.  I LOVED YOU in the video with the girls. Are you really like that with children? You are amazingly alive and free and happy. You are playful and non-judgmental, yet purposeful.  You are truly beautiful in every way. You are a source of enlightened energy. You must always stay that way.  You are amazing and so true to yourself. I respect that.

Like a comet in the sky

I don't know who you are.

But

I think a part of me will always be waiting for you..

 Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

"All of our reasoning ends in surrender to feeling." -- Blaise Pascal

Dear God.

You know what?  I know, I get obsessed.  But i also know you will help relieve me of my obsessions.  I know that no matter how much of a freakin goober i come off to be- that its my truth so what-fucking-ever!!!!!!!  No seriously, why should I be embarrassed by the fact that I feel so much.  I am not.  Its my truth.  Its my only fucking truth.  I don't go through reality without my emotions.  I need them.  I need them because they drive me and they make me who I am, and without them I wouldn't be this passionate, aspriring, adorable little pixie who is set out to save the world.

You know what?  If people cannot handle my intensity, or my passion, or my love- the AWESOMENESS of all the fucking love that I have to give- then so be it.  That doesn't hurt me.  I am not ashamed that people can't handle it.  I am not sorry for who I am!!!!!! Because why should I be?  Why?  Because I am real, and people are afraid of looking at themselves.  Of seeing who they really are.  Of confronting their demons.

i have way too often of these moments

Isn't it ironic?

....That your own p a i n  is your greatest teacher
....  That every m o m e n t is the guru
.... That for most of our lives, we h e a d  towards the things wee are running from
...That you dont a p p r e c i a t e  what you have till it gets taken away
...That we h u r t  the ones we love
...That p e a c e  is cheaper than war
....That the people who l a u g h  the most are the ones who are the saddest

Judge Me

Judge me because I am  not a Lady

Because I am  not a slave to gender norms

Judge me because Im not perfect 

because its not "natural" to be attracted to the same sex

Judge me because I'm not listening.

 and because I don't want to have sex with you

Judge me because my story is different than yours

 because I am not who you thought I would be...

and because I sin differently than you

Judge me because it is a relfection of how unhappy you are with yourself .

Judge me because: 

Y o u . D o n t. K n o w . M e .

Bad Bitches in the name of

Bad Bitches come in Many forms.

  

Type A is the classy, pinUp, cabaret female.  She looks looks like a d0ll but kicks ass like Laura Croft.

Type B are The real deal, Gangsta Bitches.  They are pretty darn sexy, I'm not gonna lie.  We call them Hoodrat Chicks.  

Type C is the "fuck you i do what I want" rebellious type bad bitch who disregards societies ideal expectations of what a woman should be or how she should act.  Im talking, the girls who pop squats in bushes and aren't afraid to ask for what she wants.

Then there are Extreme Feminisits 

There are the bad bitches who pretend to be mommy and daddy's little angels...But we all know what goes on behind their backs... And they are not really fooling anyone 

And then there are the bad bitches who are wildly sexual and inappropriate and really dont mind all of the attention that goes along with that. They aren't about girl power...they are all about the 
Power of the pussy

Misunderstood

When I was a freshman in high school I got detention for too many uniform slips. The dean called my parents and told them I was the "most provocatively dressed girl in the ninth grade". 

It took me many years to admit and understand the logic behind this,
When I thought-
Are we ever safe? My body is my home-- but i don't always feel safe in it. All it takes is one look for a man to make a woman feel uncomfortable in her own skin. go for a stroll down one block in East Oakland and get heckled at till you turn red. Stand in a parking lot minding your own business and a car full of dudes will put it in reverse, cat calling out the window....then call you a bitch when you don't respond. Times like these make me wish i was invisible...

Every girl wants to be herself and feel sexy without these repercussions, but that's not possible.
Dress like a hoe, and people will treat you accordingly.  
I've learned that flaunting your sexuality attracts both good and bad attention, until ultimately the attention becomes overwhelming. I would love to walk around the streets in an outfit from a lady gaga music video...but that just isn't practical --- perverts and predators are literally everywhere. They're even in our families. & if you realized how often they leer at you, or what their hidden intentions were--- you'd scream. 

So I put my coat on and cover up. And I step off the table that I used to hop up on. 
It's really not about dropping it like its hot in public.  
Just because a girl dresses a certain way, or dances a certain way, or has fake boobs or drives around in Daddy's G Wagon - -- doesn't necessarily reflect the degree of how rich she is, how smart she is or how quickly she'll open her legs.

Women should rely more on their brains then their looks to get what they want.
Its okay to be pretty when the world expects us to be smart,
& smart when the world expects us to be pretty.

Head towards the light instead...